How To Choose Healthy Relationships (& Avoid Toxic People)
By Hayley Quinn, March 28, 2021
Hayley Quinn is the UKs leading dating coach.
If you're stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships, it can feel like you're a magnet for all the bad apples out there.
The truth is harder to comprehend though: that the problem in your relationships may in fact be with you.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes people are horrible without any reason. However, along the way we often become complicit in choosing toxic relationships over the healthy ones we deserve. It sounds harsh, but if you've had a string of toxic relationships, the common denominator is you.
And this is actually good news.
If you're the one in control of who you choose to invest your time and energy into, then you can make different choices. You're not destined just to have one 'crazy' ex after another, you can change.
So how can you start on this different path? Well, as a TED speaker and dating coach hopefully I can help to get you started.
1. Start believing that you can meet a great partner.
Every time you say, 'I attract all the worst people' you are setting an expectation for your love life: one that tells you that you're not in control, and that you're doomed. Your self talk creates a story that every time you allow yourself to fall for someone, you will quickly become unsafe, and make poor choices. Instead, try your best to be neutral about your exes, 'we just weren't well suited,' and start to cultivate the belief that there's plenty of good people for you out there.
2. Don't look for an instant spark.
When we rely on feeling the spark as an indicator of who we should spend our time with, it can lead us to choose the wrong people. It can feel very wooing when someone wants to see you every day, and the relationship accelerates at a rapid pace; but this can also be a red flag of dangers to come. If someone turns up out of the blue, bombards you with attention, and comes on really strong, stop seeing this as romantic, start to see this as someone who may not have a healthy respect for your boundaries.
3. Take your time getting to know someone.
Instead of focusing on the spark, take your time getting to know people. You may be surprised that the spark can grow when you least expect it! Don't expect to be immediately wowed by someone new, instead prioritise people who are great communicators, willing to build a relationship with you, and take time getting to know you at a gradual pace.
4. Don't become hyper vigilant
If you've had some bad experiences it can be easy to start to look out for the warning signs everywhere. Instead of jumping to conclusions that someone is a narcissist, or controlling, remind yourself as long as you go slowly you're safe. Don't rush to make a decision, as it could ultimately be the wrong one.
5. Create an inspiring affirmation for your love life
Instead of going back to the old, 'all the good ones are taken,' story; make sure you take 5 minutes everyday to remind yourself why you are a catch and why you will find the healthy relationship you want. If you can start to believe it, you will start to see all the good apples out there who are trying to connect with you.
@hayleyquinnx
https://youtu.be/cpeGuB3j7nI
The truth is harder to comprehend though: that the problem in your relationships may in fact be with you.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes people are horrible without any reason. However, along the way we often become complicit in choosing toxic relationships over the healthy ones we deserve. It sounds harsh, but if you've had a string of toxic relationships, the common denominator is you.
And this is actually good news.
If you're the one in control of who you choose to invest your time and energy into, then you can make different choices. You're not destined just to have one 'crazy' ex after another, you can change.
So how can you start on this different path? Well, as a TED speaker and dating coach hopefully I can help to get you started.
1. Start believing that you can meet a great partner.
Every time you say, 'I attract all the worst people' you are setting an expectation for your love life: one that tells you that you're not in control, and that you're doomed. Your self talk creates a story that every time you allow yourself to fall for someone, you will quickly become unsafe, and make poor choices. Instead, try your best to be neutral about your exes, 'we just weren't well suited,' and start to cultivate the belief that there's plenty of good people for you out there.
2. Don't look for an instant spark.
When we rely on feeling the spark as an indicator of who we should spend our time with, it can lead us to choose the wrong people. It can feel very wooing when someone wants to see you every day, and the relationship accelerates at a rapid pace; but this can also be a red flag of dangers to come. If someone turns up out of the blue, bombards you with attention, and comes on really strong, stop seeing this as romantic, start to see this as someone who may not have a healthy respect for your boundaries.
3. Take your time getting to know someone.
Instead of focusing on the spark, take your time getting to know people. You may be surprised that the spark can grow when you least expect it! Don't expect to be immediately wowed by someone new, instead prioritise people who are great communicators, willing to build a relationship with you, and take time getting to know you at a gradual pace.
4. Don't become hyper vigilant
If you've had some bad experiences it can be easy to start to look out for the warning signs everywhere. Instead of jumping to conclusions that someone is a narcissist, or controlling, remind yourself as long as you go slowly you're safe. Don't rush to make a decision, as it could ultimately be the wrong one.
5. Create an inspiring affirmation for your love life
Instead of going back to the old, 'all the good ones are taken,' story; make sure you take 5 minutes everyday to remind yourself why you are a catch and why you will find the healthy relationship you want. If you can start to believe it, you will start to see all the good apples out there who are trying to connect with you.
@hayleyquinnx
https://youtu.be/cpeGuB3j7nI
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Cuff-ly Ever After
By De'Essence Cox, M. Ed, March 28, 2021
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My name is De’Essence Cox, the Cuffing Connoisseur. I am just a God-fearing, educated woman from a small town in South Carolina who is striving everyday to live the life of her dreams while becoming a better version of herself. I have a Bachelors of Arts in Mass Communications and a Masters in Higher Education Leadership. Currently, I work as a student affairs professional at an HBCU in North Carolina. My ultimate goal is to become a certified dating coach and a full time entrepreneur. I want to help people have a healthy dating experience that leads to a strong committed relationship through one-on-one and group coaching, workshops, single events, and online dating (app).
I LOVE talking about LOVE! I am the epitome of a hopeless romantic. I’m always binge watching romantic movies, daydreaming about my future bae, or listening to R&B music. However, as I began dating, I didn’t realize that “falling in love” wasn’t quite a fairytale story I saw in movies and the media, and listened to in music. Being in the dating game, I have been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, entering in and out of “situationships.” From flying high on cloud nine to hitting rock bottom. To encounter cycles that seem to go around and come back again. Stuck in a five year title-less relationship that went NOWHERE. Fell in love with someone who “needed space.” Heartbroken after saying “NO” to an engagement not approved by God. In spite of it all, I regret NOTHING! The lessons I have learned in my journey are PRICELESS. I would not be the woman I am today if God didn’t allow me to have those experiences. I LOVE who I am, and confident in who I am becoming! |
Throughout my singleness journey, the major lessons that I have learned are:
Self-love is the BEST love!
When you are so in love with yourself, you will not need to seek it from someone and it will not feel foreign when presented to you. Singleness is such a beautiful thing. It allows you to continuously fall in love with yourself. As you discover your purpose, walk into your calling, and evolve into your greater self, those around you can’t help but to notice. So when was the last time that you’ve taken yourself out on a date? What are you waiting for, sis? Trust me, it is so refreshing!
Don't chase men, chase God!
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” - Psalms 37:4
Sometimes we can get impatient in the wait for the relationship or marriage that we desire. However, redirecting our focus on the One who loves us MOST brings us strength. When our heart is in the right place, He will allow the right one to come.
When you know your worth, others will recognize your value!
My “fallback game” is STRONG due to this lesson learned. When you know your worth, you do not have the time nor energy to entertain someone who doesn't respect you, make you feel inferior, and treats you less than the Queen or KING you are. People treat you how you ALLOW them. Knowing your worth will attract the right person to you.
Growing up, I always knew my purpose was to empower and give support to others. I was not sure exactly how I was going to fulfil that...until NOW. The experiences I have encountered throughout my dating life have taught me so many valuable lessons. The GOOD, BAD and UGLY. I appreciate its contributions to my growth. Last year, God gave me the vision to use my gift of empowerment to encourage others to embrace their season of singleness, intentional dating, and most importantly SELF LOVE.
This past Valentine’s Day, I launched my dating platform called Cuff-ly Ever After.
“Cuff-ly Ever After”
Cuff-ly Ever After is a platform that embraces the concept of healthy and purposeful dating, relationships, and intimacy, which stems from the root of self-love. In today’s society, single folks are caught up on getting “cuffed” during the winter season due to the heightened desire of companionship and/ or to relieve the feeling of loneliness. However, “cuffing” should be more than just a seasonal fling. Being INTENTIONAL in your pursuits and READY for the love you deserve can lead to living “CUFF-ly ever after”!
@cuffly_everafter
Self-love is the BEST love!
When you are so in love with yourself, you will not need to seek it from someone and it will not feel foreign when presented to you. Singleness is such a beautiful thing. It allows you to continuously fall in love with yourself. As you discover your purpose, walk into your calling, and evolve into your greater self, those around you can’t help but to notice. So when was the last time that you’ve taken yourself out on a date? What are you waiting for, sis? Trust me, it is so refreshing!
Don't chase men, chase God!
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” - Psalms 37:4
Sometimes we can get impatient in the wait for the relationship or marriage that we desire. However, redirecting our focus on the One who loves us MOST brings us strength. When our heart is in the right place, He will allow the right one to come.
When you know your worth, others will recognize your value!
My “fallback game” is STRONG due to this lesson learned. When you know your worth, you do not have the time nor energy to entertain someone who doesn't respect you, make you feel inferior, and treats you less than the Queen or KING you are. People treat you how you ALLOW them. Knowing your worth will attract the right person to you.
Growing up, I always knew my purpose was to empower and give support to others. I was not sure exactly how I was going to fulfil that...until NOW. The experiences I have encountered throughout my dating life have taught me so many valuable lessons. The GOOD, BAD and UGLY. I appreciate its contributions to my growth. Last year, God gave me the vision to use my gift of empowerment to encourage others to embrace their season of singleness, intentional dating, and most importantly SELF LOVE.
This past Valentine’s Day, I launched my dating platform called Cuff-ly Ever After.
“Cuff-ly Ever After”
Cuff-ly Ever After is a platform that embraces the concept of healthy and purposeful dating, relationships, and intimacy, which stems from the root of self-love. In today’s society, single folks are caught up on getting “cuffed” during the winter season due to the heightened desire of companionship and/ or to relieve the feeling of loneliness. However, “cuffing” should be more than just a seasonal fling. Being INTENTIONAL in your pursuits and READY for the love you deserve can lead to living “CUFF-ly ever after”!
@cuffly_everafter
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